Crying like a baby ...

This was me today ... crying like a baby! It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. My two kids and I were all on the kitchen floor crying uncontrollably, but only 2 of us were babies and I wasn't truly one of them. LOL

It's been a tough few days. Zach was sick with hand foot and mouth virus and immediately after that clearing up he got some other virus that gave him a fever, cough and green snotty nose. Yuck! He's been waking up several times at night and I'm not used to that because my boys have always been really good sleepers. I've had the luxury of sleeping through the night since both of them were pretty young and I don't do well without that. My patience level is pretty low and being a mom is a challenge to that for sure. I don't always do well with it. 

Well, now Andrew has caught Zach's sickness and he's waking up at night. Zach seems to be over his, but has gotten used to Mommy soothing him at night that he's still continuing to wake up and want to "play." In addition, to throwing pretty gnarly tantrums which is unlike him. Ugh ... just can't catch a break these last couple weeks. 

I've had to cancel 3 separate appointments (that I was looking forward to), miss birthday parties, miss out on kid free time and stay home (which I loathe). As I write this I feel a little bit of a whiner ... It comes with the territory, right? They do and I get that, but am I not allowed to be annoyed by it! I'm not blaming my kids for it and I know it's not their fault, it's LIFE ... but it sucks at the same time! It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! 

Everything just came to a head at lunch this afternoon. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night because Zach didn't truly go down until almost 4am. My husband and I got in a fight because he doesn't understand how to deal with me when these situations a rise, Zach and Andrew were both crying and whining at me and I just lost it! First I yelled at my kids and then I felt bad and guilty and that made me step outside and scream at the top of my lungs (probably scaring my neighbors) and then uncontrollably crying while curled up on the floor. Pathetic! 

That's how I feel, but it's amazing how hard it is to be strong in moments like that. I am embarrassed that I broke down like that in front of my kids. It makes me feel like I can't cut it as a mom sometimes ...  because this is just probably a small portion of the difficult times our family is going to have. I need to figure out a better way to deal with my frustration because I know this is just the beginning. 

Feeling like a mommy failure today and just needed to let it out! 

It's just preschool!

I've hm'd and ha'd over whether or not to switch the boys to a different preschool for next year. You have to make these decisions; what seems like, so early due to pre registration and registration. If you miss the boat you may be ass'd out. It's crazy cause it's just preschool... who knew it would be this tormenting to a mother!

I remember when my husband said when Andrew turned 1 ... "We need to get him into something?!" (educational or school like) I said, "OK, I will look into it!" Thinking to myself the kid is 1 years old what happened to being a kid, we're already concerned about school. He's barely out of the womb and we are already wanting him to learn the ABC's, count to 10, socialize and share with other kids, follow direction etc. etc. etc. etc. The list could really go on and on!

So... I found a preschool that took 1 year olds, there's not many of them but they are out there. It's a Co-op Preschool called Crystal Springs. I figured it was cheaper to do that one day a week then the Little Gym, so why not!

I have really liked it there despite a few differences of opinion in some of their choices, but overall I really enjoy the community feel, knowing the other kids and parents, making friendships and relationships that I wouldn't normally have made, being a part of my kids education and experience and having them do art somewhere other than my living room couches. It's great!

Why switch right? Well, we have this other preschool Kids at the Creek, right near our house and it's drop off. So, mommy would get 2 1/2 hours twice a week to herself instead of 1 day a week at Co-op. But there's drawbacks, it's more expensive and you don't get to be a part of the curriculum and decision making and therefore there's no real community feel because you really don't have an opportunity to make relationships with the other kids or parents since you may only see them fleetingly in the valet drop off parking lot.

Then there were other co-ops closer to our house, but the kids would be in separate classes that would make my commitment even greater and my schedule of taking kids to school crazy town at best. There never seems to be a perfect fit so you just have to pick the best one I guess. I think I also wanted to switch because I have a few friends/fellow moms that take or are going to take their kids to Kids at the Creek so that peer pressure starts to build. It's funny how that never goes away 10 + years out of high school.

After a lot of hm'ing and ha'ing over it, we've decided to stay at Crystal Springs. It came down to mostly the money for me. We want to put the boys in soccer, gymnastics, t-ball etc. other stuff as they grow older and spending less on preschool will afford those other things. My husband lives in the attitude of we'll make it work, which I know we will, but it will be easier to make it work without too much sacrifice if we save where we can.

After all this negotiation with myself and my husband, lost sleep, it taking over my mind and the overanalyzation that I tend to do I can help but think to myself... Geez, it's just preschool for heaven's sake!

I know it's important for their future, but is there really a difference on how well a kid will grow into an adult whether he goes to Co-op, Montessori, Home School or not at all when it comes to preschool? I don't know, it would be interesting to find out.

It came down to the money, but also the community feel that Co-op brings. I love making new friendships and being a part of the decisions that get made at my kids school. I love how everyone comes together to make it all work for the kids. That's just a really great thing to be a part of. I understand not everyone can do the Co-op thing, but if you can it's a great experience and well worth it.