Crying like a baby ...

This was me today ... crying like a baby! It's embarrassing to admit, but it's true. My two kids and I were all on the kitchen floor crying uncontrollably, but only 2 of us were babies and I wasn't truly one of them. LOL

It's been a tough few days. Zach was sick with hand foot and mouth virus and immediately after that clearing up he got some other virus that gave him a fever, cough and green snotty nose. Yuck! He's been waking up several times at night and I'm not used to that because my boys have always been really good sleepers. I've had the luxury of sleeping through the night since both of them were pretty young and I don't do well without that. My patience level is pretty low and being a mom is a challenge to that for sure. I don't always do well with it. 

Well, now Andrew has caught Zach's sickness and he's waking up at night. Zach seems to be over his, but has gotten used to Mommy soothing him at night that he's still continuing to wake up and want to "play." In addition, to throwing pretty gnarly tantrums which is unlike him. Ugh ... just can't catch a break these last couple weeks. 

I've had to cancel 3 separate appointments (that I was looking forward to), miss birthday parties, miss out on kid free time and stay home (which I loathe). As I write this I feel a little bit of a whiner ... It comes with the territory, right? They do and I get that, but am I not allowed to be annoyed by it! I'm not blaming my kids for it and I know it's not their fault, it's LIFE ... but it sucks at the same time! It's my party and I'll cry if I want to! 

Everything just came to a head at lunch this afternoon. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night because Zach didn't truly go down until almost 4am. My husband and I got in a fight because he doesn't understand how to deal with me when these situations a rise, Zach and Andrew were both crying and whining at me and I just lost it! First I yelled at my kids and then I felt bad and guilty and that made me step outside and scream at the top of my lungs (probably scaring my neighbors) and then uncontrollably crying while curled up on the floor. Pathetic! 

That's how I feel, but it's amazing how hard it is to be strong in moments like that. I am embarrassed that I broke down like that in front of my kids. It makes me feel like I can't cut it as a mom sometimes ...  because this is just probably a small portion of the difficult times our family is going to have. I need to figure out a better way to deal with my frustration because I know this is just the beginning. 

Feeling like a mommy failure today and just needed to let it out! 

It's just preschool!

I've hm'd and ha'd over whether or not to switch the boys to a different preschool for next year. You have to make these decisions; what seems like, so early due to pre registration and registration. If you miss the boat you may be ass'd out. It's crazy cause it's just preschool... who knew it would be this tormenting to a mother!

I remember when my husband said when Andrew turned 1 ... "We need to get him into something?!" (educational or school like) I said, "OK, I will look into it!" Thinking to myself the kid is 1 years old what happened to being a kid, we're already concerned about school. He's barely out of the womb and we are already wanting him to learn the ABC's, count to 10, socialize and share with other kids, follow direction etc. etc. etc. etc. The list could really go on and on!

So... I found a preschool that took 1 year olds, there's not many of them but they are out there. It's a Co-op Preschool called Crystal Springs. I figured it was cheaper to do that one day a week then the Little Gym, so why not!

I have really liked it there despite a few differences of opinion in some of their choices, but overall I really enjoy the community feel, knowing the other kids and parents, making friendships and relationships that I wouldn't normally have made, being a part of my kids education and experience and having them do art somewhere other than my living room couches. It's great!

Why switch right? Well, we have this other preschool Kids at the Creek, right near our house and it's drop off. So, mommy would get 2 1/2 hours twice a week to herself instead of 1 day a week at Co-op. But there's drawbacks, it's more expensive and you don't get to be a part of the curriculum and decision making and therefore there's no real community feel because you really don't have an opportunity to make relationships with the other kids or parents since you may only see them fleetingly in the valet drop off parking lot.

Then there were other co-ops closer to our house, but the kids would be in separate classes that would make my commitment even greater and my schedule of taking kids to school crazy town at best. There never seems to be a perfect fit so you just have to pick the best one I guess. I think I also wanted to switch because I have a few friends/fellow moms that take or are going to take their kids to Kids at the Creek so that peer pressure starts to build. It's funny how that never goes away 10 + years out of high school.

After a lot of hm'ing and ha'ing over it, we've decided to stay at Crystal Springs. It came down to mostly the money for me. We want to put the boys in soccer, gymnastics, t-ball etc. other stuff as they grow older and spending less on preschool will afford those other things. My husband lives in the attitude of we'll make it work, which I know we will, but it will be easier to make it work without too much sacrifice if we save where we can.

After all this negotiation with myself and my husband, lost sleep, it taking over my mind and the overanalyzation that I tend to do I can help but think to myself... Geez, it's just preschool for heaven's sake!

I know it's important for their future, but is there really a difference on how well a kid will grow into an adult whether he goes to Co-op, Montessori, Home School or not at all when it comes to preschool? I don't know, it would be interesting to find out.

It came down to the money, but also the community feel that Co-op brings. I love making new friendships and being a part of the decisions that get made at my kids school. I love how everyone comes together to make it all work for the kids. That's just a really great thing to be a part of. I understand not everyone can do the Co-op thing, but if you can it's a great experience and well worth it.

Bah Hum Bug

I have not been in the Christmas spirit ever since the calendar turned December 1! I wasn't sure if it was because Thanksgiving was so late this year and after that holiday that takes major effort was over; since I hosted this year, it was only 3 1/2 weeks until Christmas. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! It just seemed like a whole lot of effort to put out for such a short amount of time. I've also been sick since Turkey day with a 24 hour bug that hit me at both ends (if you know what I mean :-p) then I think what developed into Bronchitis with a nasty, phlem-ey, mucus-ey cold and a major sinus/head cold that zapped my energy and left me napping when my kids napped and making them endure probably what was way too much screen time so Mommy could rest. Being sick and having to take care of kids is just the worst! It also could have been the sour mood I get when thinking about being forced to spend all that extra money... especially when we just got ourselves on a budget and last month we spent $1000 less than we normally do which means we didn't have to take any money out of savings to pay bills and such. THAT FEELS REALLY GOOD! And now I can't keep that trend going because it's Christmas dammit... and I have to spend money on people just because of that. I never feel like I'm searching for the perfect gift for people because there's no time and I'm NOT going to the Mall with 2 children in tow, so it feels like I'm just buying shit for people because it's Christmas and not because it feels really good to give. Such a sourpuss I know!

I mean... I am excited for my kids and it was fun buying them stuff. They are both still so young though that I feel like we could have skipped Christmas all together and they wouldn't even know the difference. The irony is, even though I say that, I couldn't help but feel extremely guilty about my bah hum bug state of mind. I kept saying stuff like, "I'm such a bad Mom for not doing all the Christmas stuff for my kids... they won't really remember... right?"

We didn't end up doing a tree this year because I'm a grinch basically. LOL. Every time I thought of getting a tree and hauling out all the ornaments and trying to decorate it with two toddlers it sounded like a nightmare and not as much fun as I'd love it to be. The days of sipping my Hot Buttered Rum by the fire, while my Husband and I leisurely decorated our magnificent tree are gone. If we do that it better be at naptime or after bedtime and then what happens when the little devils wake? Not only did decorating the tree with 2 toddlers around sound exhausting, but keeping it intact for 3 1/2 weeks sounded even more of a nightmare! I imagined myself saying any and all of these way too much: "No, don't touch that!" "Don't put that in your mouth!" "Don't feed that ornament to the dog!" "Don't hang from the tree, get off there, no climbing!" "Get down!" "NO, NO, NO, NO!" I'm exhausted just writing about it... Phew! And I refused to have a tree that was only decorated on the top three quarters, that's just silly!

Here's our not so festive tree, but we have one dammit! If you notice it's fake (which is not something we normally do), it's only 3 feet tall with no ornaments or star on top and it's sitting on top of our wine cabinet. This way the children in no way can mess with it. They just say "ights on pwease?" At least it's indoor/outdoor so we can use it outside for decoration some other year.

I figured out one of the reasons why I didn't want to do any of the holiday mumbo jumbo is because none of it was going to go how I envisioned it in my head. Can you say... Control freak! Maybe... probably! At least I can admit it... first step to change and I didn't have to pay a therapist for that revelation!

It sounds so horrible when I put it on paper and say it out loud, but it's true. I just knew everything was going to be a lot harder and not quite as merry with two toddlers in the mix. I knew I'd probably have a lot of laughs, but I envisioned more yelling and screaming, profuse drinking and sayings of NO then I did the good stuff. Maybe I've deprived myself of some awesome holiday memories with my 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old, but I will take that chance and know that there are many more years to come to make Christmas memories with the little rascals... so... NO REGRETS! Someone once told me they read... "If it is going to make you yell more than smile and laugh then don't do it!" Good advice and my motto for the season!

So, we are now 5 days from Christmas and I've made peace with my decision to not throw myself into holiday mode this year or a ditch for that matter. We did do some stuff. My husband got out the ladder and put lights on the house, it's no Christmas Light Fight, but we aren't the darkest house on the block either.

I did let the kids decorate cookies even though it gave me major anxiety, but I managed to laugh at it for the most part and it was only one cookie each. They had fun, I didn't need medication or alcohol to get through it and my husband bathed them while I cleaned up the kitchen, so it was a group effort and fairly manageable. I will have to say though, my friends call me "Martha" because I like to bake and do most cooking/baking from scratch and I'm fairly crafty and such in general. I cringed at the idea of all the work that went into making sugar cookie cut outs from scratch with my toddlers. I didn't have the energy, the sanity or the patience to embark on that ordeal. So I did something I never thought I would do... Dun da da dah!!

That's right... store bought sugar cookies and frosting! It didn't even dawn on me until my husband made a comment that you can buy those rolls of Pillsbury dough in already cut shapes. Ah schucks! That's a good idea! I thought the bakery had un-frosted sugar cookies, but not Safeway; so I just bought the plain old round sugar cookies. They were tasty regardless of who baked them.

Here's my kids having a good time "decorating" them. I use that term loosely! Andrew (left) pretty much just ate the sprinkles and Zach (right) managed to frost the garbage after he felt his cookie was frosted enough.

I did do a very "teacher" like thing and make a paper tree for my kids to decorate. I used poster board and cut out a tree and a star and attached it to the wall. I added velcro coins to the tree and the back of several different ornament like foam stickers so the kids can take them off and redecorate the tree as many times as they desire. I added the trunk using a paper bag and then let the kids add foam sticker presents to the bottom that are permanently stuck. They've had fun with it... mostly they take them all off and throw them on the ground, but I call that success!

We've gone around the neighborhood and looked at Christmas lights as well as a visit to a local church, Evergreen Community Church; that puts on a pretty good light display and they have trains and free cocoa, cider and cookies.

I'm going to drag my reluctant husband to Snowflake Lane and I think we may try and do the Warm Beach Lights and Holiday festivities after Christmas when it's not so crowded. Other than that I'm calling it good for this year. We tried to do a modest Christmas for the kids setting a budget limit and not overwhelming them with stuff.

Being we aren't super religious people I want to ensure the meaning of Christmas isn't translated to my boys only as presents, presents and more presents. I'd like the focus to be on family, tradition and being thankful for each other and what we have and giving to those that don't have as much. In future years I see our traditions being things like baking for the season, cutting down and decorating our tree (when they are older and can help and not just make more of a mess), an annual lights drive, partaking in some of the holiday festivities around town that don't break the bank or test our patience too much with the annoyance of crowds, watching wonderful Christmas shows and movies at home and just relishing in being together as a family.

Next year I'd like to do a homemade advent calendar; I saw some great ideas on Pinterest and I think just having fun stuff each day that we do like a simple holiday craft or taking food to the food bank or watching a Christmas show that evening or having hot cocoa etc. as well as some treats and some little presents and maybe some bigger stuff that we do will be really fun for the whole family. If I can keep it up every year I think that and a lot of the things we do will become our traditions.

I also want my kids to know the importance of giving to the community and helping out families in need so I want to focus on having a family we buy gifts for each year, participating in food donation and maybe even volunteering at a soup kitchen or food bank.

I may have been pretty Ba Hum Bug this year, but I think it made me think about why I was feeling that way and how I wanted me and my family to participate in the holiday every year. It made me focus on what I wanted Christmas to mean for our family and what is and isn't important to me. It also made me take it easy on myself and not feel so guilty ( I don't think we deserve mommy guilt and we are too quick to succumb to it, so I try to avoid it as much as possible!) about my decisions on what we would and would not do this year for the holiday. Instead of focusing on the "I'm Not's" I try and focus on the "I Am's," and my kids love me all the same whether we decorate a tree or not. I should appreciate this time while they are too young to know otherwise because there's going to be many years where I won't have that luxury!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Everyone!

Toddler Insurance... if it only existed!

I feel as though every time I walk in somewhere with my toddlers I should just hand my credit card over to the cashier as collateral. I can't stay long without it costing me a bundle.

For instance, today I went to Starbucks with some mommy friends after our Stroller Strides workout. It wasn't long before my two boys had finished their popcorn snack and drank their chocolate milk and were beginning to wander the store amusing themselves with anything at their peculiarly inconvenient toddler eye level... Water bottles, popcorn snack bags, anything in the snack and drink cooler! Those are considered the "safe" stuff; I got really concerned when they started perusing the cup aisle and wanting to get their little mitts on the coffee cup collection! Immediately, I thought... "I better get out of here before this simple coffee date ends up costing me a lot more than a cup of joe."

If only we could purchase toddler insurance for wherever we went; then we could actually sit down and enjoy that $5 coffee because we know were "covered" for anything our little one's hands seem to mishandle. Or if we could just have a slew of toddler proofed places for us to go and enjoy some mommy chat.

Another time I had gone into a Sub shop to get some sammies and... Oh my lord was that a hoot! The chip aisle right smack at toddler eye level was like a sensory bin that little hands could not resist. They loved grabbing those bite size bags off the shelves one by one and tossing them around. What a glorious crinkly sound they made... music to their ears! They ran around the store laughing and hollering pulling those bags off the shelves as I scurried after them putting them back on the shelf saying, "stop that, don't touch that etc. etc." I finally told the sandwich maker to just put whatever on the sandwiches as I played ground control. I couldn't help but bust when the clerk said, "Will that be here or to-go?" Me: "What do you think!"

Poor customers who got their chips after we left because I'm sure they were a little more crumbly than desired. You can't help but laugh in these situations. I think I was the one most embarrassed. Everyone in the stores always thinks the kids are so cute. Today a lady told me as I left the Starbucks, that I was doing a great job! It's people like that and comments like that that make each day easier when sometimes it feels like you are in toddler hell and can't enjoy one second to yourself.

Lesson of today: Laugh and remember these times because you'll laugh even harder when you're looking back at it!

I'm truly Thankful!!

picture taken last Thanksgiving 2012

On the eve of Thanksgiving I think about how truly thankful I am! As much as my kids drive me insane, make me cry, make my relationship even that more difficult with my husband, cause me to scream my head off sometimes and drive me to drink.... I'm truly thankful for them. They are sweet little turkeys and I can't imagine my life without them.

My son Andrew (28 months) said "I love you Mommy" for the first time tonight! Awe!!! Proud and truly thankful Mommy moment.

At the end of the day when you've had it up to here with them sometimes they always go and do something so sweet or cute like that. They make you laugh or cry tears of joy and you forget all the reasons why they've driven you insane the past 12 hours and you go to bed with love in your heart and memories in your mind that will truly last. That's the reward of parenting really!

I'm thankful my family is happy (for the most part) and healthy and that we have each other to lean on and ride this crazy roller coaster called LIFE! Be thankful for those whom you love and be sure to tell them that too!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

"Flipping my lid"

My kids are in a Co-op Preschool, called Crystal Springs Cooperative in Bothell. Andrew (2 yo) has been going there for two years now and Zach (1 yo) just started this year. They are in the same class for one day a week. We really enjoy it, it's something for us to get out and do on a weekly basis and it's learning and play for the kids as well as for me.

One of the perks of the school is our Parent Education Nights. They are once a month and usually about an hour or so of a speaker and so far I've been so impressed with the speakers. It's always been really educational and valuable topics for parents in my opinion and the speakers are always engaging and fun... the time just flies by!

The latest one on Thursday was a gal by the name of Sahara Pirie who is a Certified Positive Discipline Lead Trainer and does classes at the YMCA in Shoreline. 

One thing she discussed in her class was when we as parents "flip our lid". You can express this in a hand gesture. Close your fist with your thumb closed on the outside of your fingers. This represents the brain and all it's areas of function. When you "flip your lid" your finger pop out of that closed fist position so you are now making the letter "b" in sign language. That prefrontal cortex that is the regulation of body through autonomic nervous system, emotion regulation, regulation of interpersonal relationships, response flexibility, intuition, mind-sight - social cognition, self awareness - autonoesis, letting go of fears, morality.... is quite literally flipped and not able to function. IT'S TRUE!



So, as a parent when are kids are driving us nuts (or our husbands for that matter) whining and crying, asking over and over again to have something or do something, having a trantrum, fighting with their brother etc. etc. etc. And we've had ENOUGH! Our lids flip and we usually say something like..., "I can give you something to cry about." or "Go to your room until you can stop whining." or "I'm tired of hearing you scream and cry, I don't want to hear another peep out of you." Or maybe we go as far as swearing at them and it usually comes with a screaming/yelling/raised voice from us. This is flipping your lid and you cannot function rationally when your brain is in this state, you cannot resolve issues or be rational about things when this occurs.



It resonated so well with me because I've done it many times, probably once a day, some weeks better than others. I'm not proud of it, but kids have a way of pushing our buttons and my patience levels are not near what they should be. Patience is a virtue, that's for sure! So what should we do when our lids have boiled off the pot and we've made a mistake and screamed nasty things at our children?

• Regather: Make sure both of your have calmed down. Even if it means waiting.
• Recognize: "Whoops, I made a mistake"
• Responsibility: Acknowledge your part in the mistake.
• Reconcile/Resolve: (Re-Solve): "I'm sorry." "How can we work on this together to make it better?" (or some variation thereof)

I say sorry to my kids all the time and take responsibility for my mistakes. Its tough, but I feel like it's only appropriate. Some may see apologies as a sign of weakness, but I think it takes a lot of courage to admit you're wrong and even more courage to say it! My kids will know I'm not perfect and they will find comfort in the fact that they can make mistakes too and recover from them as a better person. Now only if I could work better on not "flipping my lid" in the first place I'd really be getting somewhere. :-)

I would definitely recommend checking her out, she was a great speaker with a lot of valuable information. Her next session (7 weeks, 1 x per week) of classes begins in January and is called Parenting With Positive Discipline and more information can be found HERE!

You can also purchase the book(s) here on Amazon.

I am SAHM

I started this blog because I thought it would a productive way for me to express myself through my "mother" eyes. As a stay at home Mom (SAHM) I often feel lonely, tired, confused, angry, elated, joyous, lost, happy, unappreciated, thankful, thankless... The list could go on and on and on! The point being I am often a roller coaster of emotions because being a SAHM is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had to do and there's a lot of pressure to get it right. The challenge of performing the rolls of several different hats each day can be extremely exhausting. Mother, Wife, Housekeeper, Accountant, Playgroup Captain etc. We are constantly switching focus and that focus is rarely on ourselves. I want an outlet to express not only the challenges of these "Home Hats," but to celebrate the joys too. I thought it would be a great way to capture life as a mother and I welcome you to join in on the conversation! With that said, I'm an opinionated person and I'm not afraid to put my two cents out there. You may not agree with me and that's okay, but let's keep things civilized and mature. I am open to engage in conversation and be a voice for however you need it, but I will not be attacked or assaulted for being myself. It's all good healthy conversation and remember... we are in this together! I named this blog My Name is SAHM for a couple of reasons: I am SAHM was taken (bummer, I liked that one). My name is really Tanya but growing up I always wished my name was Samantha, I loved how it could be shortened to SAM and I thought that was cool to have an unisex name. So calling the blog, My Name is SAHM seemed fitting enough. Sometime I feel like SAHM is my identity and that my real name or persona doesn't exist, therefore taking it on as my name in the blog seemed appropriate. I look forward to sharing my life with the world as I experience and see it. It might not always be pretty, but I'm sure we all can relate and I think it's refreshing to know that other people around you feel your struggles and can relate to them as their own. Life along with Motherhood are two of the most difficult things I've had to do, but I'm blessed to have them both and I strive each day to make them bearable, but more importantly... BETTER!